Thursday, March 25, 2010

(top-notch carbon: octopi)


This is the first installment in a series that I'm calling Top-Notch Carbon, the aim of which is to celebrate and draw attention to the finest conglomerations of carbon molecules.

Certain byproducts of the industrial revolution have given carbon a bad name as of late - "carbon footprint" this and "carbon emissions" that - your average cro-mag might be led to believe that carbon is a bad thing. Well, you, dear reader, are not the average cro-mag. And I'm here to reclaim carbon's rightful place as a true baller of the universe.

Exploring carbon's badassery might sound simple to some but let me assure you, it's no easy feat! Carbon has mad skillz. The roughly 10 million carbon compounds serve as the building blocks, not only for life, but for a whole plethora of complexity including much of what we, as lowly humans, would deem valuable in terms of emotions, aesthetics, ethics, science, and of course, the almighty dollar.

And so, to kick off this carbon celebration with true flare, we're pulling out all the stops. We're going straight to the top of the carbon hierarchy of awesomeness. That's right, I'm talking about the mighty OCTOPUS. Behold...


It's hard to understate just how fucking cool octopi really are. Seriously... SO. FUCKING. COOL. I barely know where to begin.

But it might be helpful, first, to think of the octopus as the collective Einsteins of the invertebrates. We humans think we're sooooo flippin' smart with our spinal columns and highly developed frontal cortices. Sure, we're the smartest vertebrates but WTF, man? There are only, like, 58,000 vertebrates or something like that. We barely have any competition! It's like winning the preschool poetry competition.

In
vertebrates, on the other hand, make up 98% of described animal species. There are millions of 'em. There are twice as many invertebrates as all the vertebrates, plants, fungi, protists, and monerans combined. But we forget about all of that. If we're going to actively care about animals, we'd much rather give money to save some charismatic lone wolf at the top of the foodchain that serves little to no ecological function given that the rest the environment has already adapted to it's absence... or we'd rather donate Buffalo exchange tokens to the never-ending and hopeless oversaturation of baby kittens rather than to a human being... we'd much rather do that than to assure the proliferation of an ugly cornerstone arthropod, without which entire biomes would be brought to their proverbial knees... GAAAH. I'm not saying lone wolves aren't cool, but it's all about PRIORITIES, people.

Anyway, back to the octopus.

So, octopi don't have backbones. They're one big mass of brains, muscle, rage and balls. This makes them incredibly dexterous, able to maneuver the trickiest of environments...




They have three hearts. Three hearts, people! That's three times the love to give, three times the heartache, three times the heart problems. You thought that a quadruple bypass was rough, what about a duodecuple bypass?

Chameleons can't hold a candle to the almighty octopus. Certain octopi can reproduce complex textures and colors to a degree that would make any self-respecting brookesia blush in embarrassment...




Octopi make no qualms about passing the torch to the next generation. They don't stick around in the Octo-Senate long past their period of mental agility. Nope, nope. Octopus bros die shortly after they do it, and the octopus babes die not too long after they lay the eggs. They don't mess around. They live fast, die young, and leave a good looking octo-corpse. Baby octopi grow up on their own, they don't learn a thing from their parents. This means that the octopus, in essence, is inherently badass. They can beat the shit out of sharks. Go to 1:30 for the good part...




They're f-ing smart, too. Not just compared to other invertebrates, but in terms of the entire animal kingdom. They solve puzzles. They understand cause and effect. They have short and long term memory. They can navigate mazes. They use their tentacles to scare fish through the opposite end of a coral reef and straight into their mouths. They open jars...



Last, but certainly not least, they use tools! (You might have seen this on the interwebs a few months ago, it was quite a big deal.) We used to think that tool use was unique to humans, then we discovered that primates use them too, then birds, then some other mammals. But holy hell! Octopi are doing it too! Octopi have long been making shelter out of shells and other objects but now they're stepping up their game. They have been transporting discarded coconut halves, albeit in a clumsily hilarious fashion, over long distances, 65 feet in some cases, to pair it with another coconut half and BAM... insta-shell!



This feat, although it might not seem too impressive by human standards, is huuuge. There's a world of cognitive difference between finding shelter in a hole in a rock, for example, and making the creative connecting between two separate and distinct objects that, when combined, create something altogether new, creating more than the sum of the parts. That shit's deep, bro. Like Jefferson Airplane deep.

And so, to all the octopi out there, we salute you. You are pimps of the sea, rulers of the deep, ass-kickers of the mundane. You are Top-Notch Carbon.

2 comments:

  1. "They're one big mass of brains, muscle, rage and balls."

    My favorite highlight of this post. Way to make me laugh out loud in my computer class. Totally agree w/ changing our species priorities, wolves are jerks.

    I am excited for this series. Will you be featuring Top-Notch carbon forms that are non-living?

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